Sunday, February 12, 2012

While I'm here...

Several of you have asked me where I am...meaning you're getting just bare essentials on the blog.


Here's the truth.

I fight for joy, daily. Most of the time hourly and minute by minute. I've just been too tired to "go there" with every tender heart who asks me. There is much going on in my heart and I'm still unpacking quite a bit of it, so much so that I'm mentally exhausted many days.

I may be pressed down, but not forsaken, trials on every side, but my feet are on the rock. I'm continually humbled by my great God who reminded me tonight in the words of a song...

"In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground; firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
My Comforter, my All in ALL
Here in the love of Christ, I stand."

Of course this is only one verse of a very powerful song that had tears streaming down my face at the end.
Why? Because I've been in a drought. I've felt like I was wandering in the wilderness. The struggles have not all been my fault either, as in because of sin. There's been that. I've grumbled over manna. I've struggled to see through his eyes because it hurts and its hard. I've felt beaten up by the adversary. I've lost many battles But...I've told God over and over...sung to Him the words of this song by Kari Jobe "You are for me. You are for me.You will never forsake me in my weakness and I know that you have come now even if to write upon my remind me WHO you are." Who he is a God who is the potter and I am the clay.

He's my song. I thought I'd lost it. I lost my voice, but never my song.  I have a dear friend who advised me upon the removal of my family from the states to this culture..."Don't stop singing." Prophetic, really. Could she know the struggles I'd face and there would be a time (too long) where I would not be singing? Where it would be all I could do to lift my eyes to the hills from where my help comes, much less to cry out or sing?  Sometimes life is just hard. Is God any less on the throne? Any less sovereign? Less gracious? No. Heavens, no. For everything there is a season under heaven.

So here's the flip side. God is good. All the time. Good things are happening in my heart and my family right along side the ugly. It's a paradox. No, it's a journey. Yes. A Journey. Sometimes I feel as if I'm skipping along and then I hit a rock and fall flat on my face. He picks me up every time, dusts me off, "here in the power of Christ I stand" until I can take the next step in His strength...which always comes when I realize my own weakness...and that usually takes falling.

So. As transparent as I can be without going into details of life.  How are you? How has God shown himself to you lately?

My best adjective for him right now...FAITHFUL. So, faithful.


Sheila Hughes said...

Girl....I SO admire the strength and courage it took for you and the King to transport your little family to the other side of the globe in search of the greater good....can't imagine what you are going through....Even here at home (actually we are not home YET)....seeing parents getting older, their health declining, family members struggling with addictions, finances getting tight, and all the ups and downs of life, I am reminded that HE is sufficient. HE is ALL I need. HE is my solid rock. When the darkness comes, HE will shine the light and the diamond that is your life will shine with HIS's ALL about HIM...I keep photos around to remind me to speak to the Father often about you.....Be strong my sister!!!

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. This year has been a tough year for me. I made mistakes. I messed up. Instead of resting in Him, I questioned Him. I was so down, but He never left. I'm so thankful that He never gave up on me. I daily am having to choose joy also, to choose to rest in Him, and trust Him that he knows what's best for me and my family. Your words were a good reminder and an encouragement to me.