Friday, June 29, 2012

On my heart today...

As we prepare to come back to the states...

My emotions are wild. I mean, we have lived here for nearly four years. From one perspective it seems like such a short time and another perspective seems like FOREVER. And yet, another perspective could list the changes we've seen in our lives, family, hearts, perspectives, walk with God, etc.

Yesterday as a family we were meditating on 1 Peter 5:6-8. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour."

There is so much to "unpack" in those verses, but what I am focusing on is "casting all my anxieties on him." I am reminded of when the Prince was about 4 and his Grandfather wanted  to take him fishing, but needed him to know a few safety rules and well as basics before he would take the Prince out in the boat. The Prince DESPARATELY wanted to go out in the boat. One of the things he needed to know was how to "cast" with his fishing pole. His grandfather (wisely) knew that if the Prince didn't learn this before he got in the wasn't going to happen...there are too many other distractions to focus on that skill, and he would probably get "hooked" by the Prince- not something he wanted.

Well, the Prince, stood at the top of our driveway which slanted down towards the street and cast with his little Disney pole. His little line and weight didn't go very far, but he kept practicing. He eventually got to where he could stand at the top of our driveway, cast down the driveway, across the street and into the neighbors yard with one cast. He practiced letting go. He eventually got to go fishing with his Grandfather.

I'm finding myself anxious these days. I feel as if it has taken me so long to adjust to this foreign life, not that I wanted it to. I guess by my nature I am resistant to change even though in my heart, I welcome it. I'm a walking paradox! Anyway, in the last 6 months some things are really clicking. I know I've posted some things on here about how much time it takes to do things over here.

I can now QUICKLY (that's still relative in this culture) pay the bills. When before it took me so long and so much brain power that I needed a nap afterwards. I can still tune out the other language, but for the most part as I walk past people and hear bits of their conversations...I understand bits. I'm by no means fluent. But my brain doesn't HURT just trying to figure out if they asked me if I wanted a bag with that.

The anxieties I faced daily trying to learn to live over here have mostly disappeared. Maybe it's because I've lived here long enough, maybe it's because I've learned to cast them on God better, maybe it's both. I don't know. I hope it's because I trust the Lord more.

As I stand in front of my wall calendar and count down the days to our return to the states, new anxieties crop up.
A variety of anxieties...I could list them, but then you'd stop reading for the sheer number is mind-numbing!

I've been busy living this life, so much so that I haven't always stopped to reflect on how this or that applies. What does God want from me? What can I "take-way" from this situation? Etc. I put expectations on myself.

So, you see, anxiety. Some rational, some not. I'm working diligently as I hope you are to guard my heart as it says in Proverbs 4, but it is not always an easy task.

I know I am a creature of habit. I like things to be comfortable. But God has called me out of comfortable, well, it's more like he changed my comfortable. He wants my comfortable to be in  Him ALONE. He wants me reading his word and looking at the world through the lense of his word. I've been guilty of looking at the word through the lense of my culture. When I changed my glasses and got on the right track, I noticed more of what was comfortable in my life that was not biblical. Biblical in this day and age is hard sometimes. It's definitely not comfortable, but has it really ever been?

I guess it all boils down to expectations. And the most wonderful thing about that is that every covered in GRACE. Oh, how I need it.

Well, there you have it, what's on my heart right at this very moment.


Anonymous said...

I needed to hear this! I am having anxiety right now too. I needed this perspective. I am praying for you and your family. I am not sure, having never been in your shoes, what to pray for. I am just asking God to show you what He wants you to know. I am asking Him to give you insight, perspective, discernment, and the fruits of the Spirit as you figure it all out.
Love and can't wait to see you!

Anonymous said...

As I read this again I go to Isa. 46:4 "...I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." I'm getting the idea that "I WILL" will take care of all your anxieties :-).
Love you sweet girl,
Nancy <><