A retraction of sorts...

OK. I need to apologize. I didn't mean to worry you. I thought by sharing my thoughts in one particular moment, I could ease the minds of those wondering...apparently I made it worse...if my inbox is any indicator.

Life is hard. Life in a foreign country is hard. Raising kids is hard. Finding balance is hard. Living surrendered is hard. Walking in faith is hard. Marriage is hard. Isn't everything hard at one time or another? Or for a season? Well, I'm in that season, but it isn't the end of the world. As a matter of fact I have a much more in depth understanding of the word of God that says, "My grace is sufficient for you." It is. It IS. Really.

My children lean toward the dramatic side of things...I have no. idea. where they get it from. Ok. So I know exactly where they get it. No really, I may have been a tad dramatic in my words in an earlier post...I'm not on the brink of anything bad. God is good. He always has been. He is faithful. He always has been. He's working in my heart and life. He always has been. He's in control. He. Always. Has. Been.  I just try to usurp him from time to time and therein lies the problem. I have learned so much about myself and my God by stepping outside of my box. I'm sure I can never go back. He doesn't want me to, but I want to sometimes because...life is hard.

Living in a land where few are believers is hard on the heart.  Giving all the time and not being filled in the "usual" ways has taken quite a bit of adjustment for me. I am a creature of habit. Good or bad. It's taken me longer to adjust to foreign life than I thought. But I am adjusting. Pretty well, I think. Enough for Father to call us to adoption.

I make no bones about the fact that is seems crazy to the naked eye. It seems crazy to me at moments. I'm not sure of anything...but my God. Him, I have complete confidence in. He has YET to call me to do something that he did not equip me for and bring me through. My trust is not misplaced. Don't let yours be either.

My mom said that she thought, "How much worse must it be if this is what she's sharing?" I didn't mean to make you worry. I wanted to share a moment when God spoke to my heart to remind who he is, who I am. I am his. Irrevocably. I may be tired, but he gives rest. I may be struggling, but he has already won the battle. I know all of this. Truly know it. Sometimes the enemy distracts me from what I know...temporarily.

Don't worry. Thanks for the love that means you would worry. No need. Just pray and give thanks. It's what I'm doing. Love you all~

Oh, please read this...

A friend recently directed me to a new blog that relates to adoption. My first time there and I read the words of a mom that I wish I could copy and paste right here. The title is, "I don't want my kids to be happy" and it intrigued me at the start since I relate, but knowing this was an adoption blog... I read on. Please click  here to read her words (yes, that means you Prince and Princess)

I would love your thoughts on it.

About adoption, we officially received our referral on twin girls. Which means we are completely stepping out in faith and obedience, writing a large check, altering ALL our plans, and beginning the actual countdown to "babies in arms." Please lift up our family as you think of us.

In one moment, we are completely ECSTATIC and the next completely FREAKED OUT! My head and my heart are at war. One says "Are you kidding? twins at 40?" the other says "Bring me those babies! My heart is big enough!"...but what trumps both of those...is my will...to follow Christ wherever he leads....which, this time, is to two little orphaned girls. All the sooner, please, Lord.

While I'm here...

Several of you have asked me where I am...meaning you're getting just bare essentials on the blog.

True.

Here's the truth.

I fight for joy, daily. Most of the time hourly and minute by minute. I've just been too tired to "go there" with every tender heart who asks me. There is much going on in my heart and I'm still unpacking quite a bit of it, so much so that I'm mentally exhausted many days.

I may be pressed down, but not forsaken, trials on every side, but my feet are on the rock. I'm continually humbled by my great God who reminded me tonight in the words of a song...

"In Christ alone my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground; firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace when fears are stilled, when strivings cease.
My Comforter, my All in ALL
Here in the love of Christ, I stand."

Of course this is only one verse of a very powerful song that had tears streaming down my face at the end.
Why? Because I've been in a drought. I've felt like I was wandering in the wilderness. The struggles have not all been my fault either, as in because of sin. There's been that. I've grumbled over manna. I've struggled to see through his eyes because it hurts and its hard. I've felt beaten up by the adversary. I've lost many battles But...I've told God over and over...sung to Him the words of this song by Kari Jobe "You are for me. You are for me.You will never forsake me in my weakness and I know that you have come now even if to write upon my heart...to remind me WHO you are." Who he is a God who is the potter and I am the clay.

He's my song. I thought I'd lost it. I lost my voice, but never my song.  I have a dear friend who advised me upon the removal of my family from the states to this culture..."Don't stop singing." Prophetic, really. Could she know the struggles I'd face and there would be a time (too long) where I would not be singing? Where it would be all I could do to lift my eyes to the hills from where my help comes, much less to cry out or sing?  Sometimes life is just hard. Is God any less on the throne? Any less sovereign? Less gracious? No. Heavens, no. For everything there is a season under heaven.

So here's the flip side. God is good. All the time. Good things are happening in my heart and my family right along side the ugly. It's a paradox. No, it's a journey. Yes. A Journey. Sometimes I feel as if I'm skipping along and then I hit a rock and fall flat on my face. He picks me up every time, dusts me off, "here in the power of Christ I stand" until I can take the next step in His strength...which always comes when I realize my own weakness...and that usually takes falling.

So. As transparent as I can be without going into details of life.  How are you? How has God shown himself to you lately?

My best adjective for him right now...FAITHFUL. So, faithful.

About that date thing...

I adore my husband. If you have followed my blog for long you know it. He's a treasure. We have been married 20+ years and still like each other...even more than when we began this journey. Anyway. He is intentional about dating me. I love that. He puts me on his sometimes amazingly busy schedule. When you look at his schedule you see I'm a priority. Not every wife can say that...and truthfully it isn't that way 100% of the time. But he strives for it and I love him for it. Anyway we recently had to make a trip for our last big adoption paperwork and it was an over-night-er. We shipped the Princess off (she was so sad to go...she went early! HA.) and enjoyed each other's company.

 We laugh together. We have tons of inside jokes that show our own immaturity, but we would NEVER brag about that. :) Anyway. While we were together, after successfully completing the paperwork (PTL!) we walked hand in hand past this sign. The subtitle says, "Childrens' Paradise." I can't explain it now. Maybe because I felt carefree, with no children, no curfew, no job to get up to go to, but it hit me funny. I can't think that Americans would call POPARK a Children's Paradise. But I digress.

 We have Starbucks in our city, but we keep our visits there to a minimum. So, we treated ourselves on our date. I'm not a big coffee drinker, but I love just sitting there. Being so immersed in this Asian culture is not a bad thing, but sometimes I miss the simple things...or what I thought was simple. Sitting at Starbucks with someone special to me (friend or family) and leisurely discussing things in an environment that feels normal to me. Granted, my normal is seriously skewed after living 3 1/2 years in a foreign context, but it was nice.

My husband doesn't usually question why I'm taking pictures of things. He's used to my idiosyncrasies uniqueness by now, but he wondered about this choice of picture. Just look at those delectable things...what you don't know is half of them are NOT delectable. You think you see chocolate chip...but it's red bean, etc. Ug. Who would eat red bean when you can have chocolate? Anyway...if felt normal at the time to be looking at the goodies and enjoying uninterrupted time with my husband in Starbucks. I almost felt like I was back in the states. But the truth of the matter is, I don't care (too much-just keepin' it real) where I am...as long as I'm with him.

 Just sharin'.

Potty humor...be warned.

I came out of the WC/Toilet/Bathroom/Restroom (insert your cultural word here) in a public place with a smile on my face. My husband saw the phone in my hand and with a look that said 'Do I really want to know?' asked, "Did you take a picture of something in there?" 

 Of course! I replied. Doesn't everyone take pictures in the WC/Toilet/Bathroom/Restroom etc? LOL. I've been intending to take this picture for some time, but truthfully...it is a little disconcerting to be sitting or in this case squatting in the toilet and hear the snap of a camera. I immediately get paranoid. I don't want people taking pictures of my nakedness...and I've been in public bathrooms without doors. So, it's amusing that I decided to take this picture. I laugh every time I squat to use this particular potty, because I'm PRETTY SURE I never saw one like it in America.

Hence, the laughter. Hits me funny every time. Standard, really? As far as I know....nothin' standard about this in America, except possibly in a few Asian dominated areas. Anyway.  The Princess and I spent the evening last night with a family of five kids so mom and dad could have a date (which I COMPLETELY believe parents should do!) and two of said kids are boys. My boy is nearly 17 and although I occasionally hear some potty humor form him, he mostly restricts it to his Dad and buddies. So. It's been a few years since I've been around little boys with the fascination of potty words. I laugh when I think of how many times last night I heard, "Can I have some more PEE-nuts?" followed by the darling-est grin I've ever seen and a giggle! Some things never change. Whoever coined the phrase, "Boys will be boys," must have reared a house full! Mom, was it you?

A glimpse...

What's in a name?

I walk by this board 50 times a day. It's the combined list of names the family likes for the children we are planning to adopt. Since we didn't know for a very long time whether or not it would be boys, girls, or one of each...we played it safe. We also listed some African names that have special meanings to us.

Since finding out about our prospective twin girls we have been discussing names more than I care to admit. The Princess has a decided idea about what she wants to call little sisters, but this gave us as parents a great opportunity to talk about what is in a name. Biblically, there is much to say. Do you have any idea how many times God changed the names of people in the Bible? Why he did it?  I mean, Abram and Abraham aren't that different as well as the fact that Sarai and Sarah are close. Jacob to Israel and Simon to Peter are pretty big jumps, but all have a special meaning and reason why.

When we first started discussing adopting children we began discussing names. After all, if we adopted children whose parents named them and then were tragically killed...what right had we to change that name? But what if they were abandoned as an infant and someone randomly named them in order to keep up with them? There is much to consider when it comes to names. If you doubt me...just Google "baby names" and see what you get.

We concluded several things, one was this. Sometimes God changed names to speak blessing into someone's life. "This is what you'll be" sort of thing. Not necessarily what you ARE, but what you will BECOME. "These are the plans I have for you." That is definitely on of the reasons we gave our biological children their names, why would it be different with adopted children? Another thing we chose to do was to find out as much as we could about the children we would adopt. Sometimes that is not possible. In our case, we know the family situation. Early on, we decided that if parents gave these babies names we would do our best to keep them. (I mean, let's be realistic...you know our last name...would you want your four or five syllable first name to go with that? No offense to my in-laws, of course, because my maiden name isn't much better. Just a reality.) But that we would also give them names of our choosing.

So that's where we are. Naming babies. Counting down the days until we hold them close and say "I love you." Oh. *sigh* come quickly, little ones. We have much love to give, but only because of the One who named you before there was time.

Who?

Is that you Captain Jack? Jill? Davy Jones? Who is that?

Wii had fun...

The Prince was home on a short break. The weather was yucky so the Princess could not wear her new roller blades outside. I kept running my little cart, or is it kart?, into the wall. We had bowling competitions, boxing matches, and raced cars, etc. There were strikes, gutter balls, knockouts and several crash and burns. But most of all, there was fun. We enjoyed our time together.

A glimpse into our future...

IKEA has various ethnic dolls and we bought two brown ones. They are unisex, but have belly buttons and knuckles and, a-hem, other parts, and are completely adorable! The Princess has already changed their clothes and begun calling them by name. She walks around the house with one with her almost constantly. 

 The one on the left is B and the right is T...no wait, it's the other way around! Can you tattoo a baby? LOL. I'm only kidding. The dolls look exactly alike, but the real babies don't and I can tell them apart in an instant!

The King is anticipating Hugs and Kisses! Can you blame him?

When we are tired of the waiting and longing for the real thing...these will have to suffice.

Our family journey...and adoption update

When the Prince was small (3 yrs. old) he began praying every night "God please give us a baby." He wasn't particular most of the time. Most of the time, it was just for a baby. He actually got mad at God because he had "prayed 250 times and He didn't give me a baby."

We talked a great deal about God's ways and his timing, but I was never sure how much my very precocious three year old understood. When he was six, after my husband's battle with cancer, after doctors said we would not be able to have children on our own...we found out we were expecting. We sat him down and talked to him about how he had prayed and prayed for a baby and how God was answering his prayer in God's own timing, not the Prince's.  He was beyond excited!

Well, during our family devotions at that time, he began to ask God to give us a "brown baby like Darrell." We knew he meant the skin color of an African-American boy we knew. At first, we let it go, but as he persistently prayed, we began to feel a need to explain some things. Without going into TOO much detail we explained that God uses the Mom and Dad to make the babies...so they usually look like the mom and dad...meaning the same color. As he pondered he said, "Oh. But God could do it if he wanted to," and proceeded to ask for a brown baby.

Well, we took him with us to the sonogram and found out that the Princess was on her way. As we walked out, he said, "Dad! We're having a girl!" His father replied with a smile, "I know, son." But before he could say anything more....the Prince said, "Now we just have to find out if she's black or white."

We have laughed over that for years. So cute. Well, we are in the process to adopt babies that we feel God has led us to. And guess what? They are "Brown like Darrell."

I looked across the dinner table at the Prince when it dawned on me that God was indeed answering his prayer for a brown baby...10 years later.

His ways are not our ways. His timing is not ours, either. Boy am I thankful for that. I never really believed God would give me a brown baby. Now He's giving me two! I'm completely humbled.

We have received a referral for two babies. We cannot give details as of yet because they are not technically ours until the judge says so and that could be months away. So, please wait with us and pray with us. Their situation is unique and yet not so. They are under-nourished, but loved. Please pray God's hand of protection on their little lives as they grow and while we wait to be united as a family. In our hearts...they are already ours.